I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
