Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
