I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
