My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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