I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
