What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
