They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
