he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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