Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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