I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
