I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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