I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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