Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
