Got a toothbrush?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
