if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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