i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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