Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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