no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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