i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
