Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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