We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
