he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You dont lie about slip and slides
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
