explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
