I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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