My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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