you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i permit you to call me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize