bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
