im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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