just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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