It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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