the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
