remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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