My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
