Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
