i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
