It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize