just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
