She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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