Me. At least after what I've been through.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
