Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We were destined to go to rehab together
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
