Only a mothe r could love this liver
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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