hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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