my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
