im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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