That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize