His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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