so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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