I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
