Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
