if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
as a side note pls kill me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize