you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
