I can tuck mytits in my pants
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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