It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
