Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
